Happy Friday!

Happy Friday!! This week seemed like it was twice as long, I swear! I am always in a good mood as the wknd nears. And now that its here, I’m even more excited about it.Plus I am not feeling all emo today, so instead of being in my feelings I’ll just share some of my wknd plans:

  • Go to a close friends birthday dinner tonight then celebrating the return of Friday with my favorite squad [as if Friday doesn’t come around every week, lol]
  • Continue my tireless search for the perfect white heel/pump [I must have a killer pair by the time memorial day comes!]
  • Buy/Build/Pot a succulent garden for 3 rooms in my apartment [my house doesn’t feel like spring/summer because i don’t have anything plants]
  • Visit the High Museum of Art [ They are having free admission this Saturday, it’s free so why not!?]
  • Try out this sushi spot called Umi with friends [ Can you say saki bombs?]
  • Go to the farmers market & get fresh flowers & fruit [yah*]
  • Go to this new hookah lounge with this guy I met [I think he wants the D; by “D” I mean ME*]
  • Grab coffee with another stranger I met offline [I’ll elaborate more next week… don’t judge]
  • & then last but not least I think I have a dinner date on Sunday. He’s a cocky #sonofagun - he straight up told me that I am going to fall in love with him within the next 90 days [Why do i love arrogant douchebags?]

Hopefully I get to check all this off my Things to do list [also hopefully I don’t get stood up by these menses..]. Are you doing anything fun this wknd? Either way be safe and have a fun wknd!

Xo.

Love is a Drug

I saw The Great Gatsby the other day. Toby McGuire [Nick Carraway] says this one line in the movie to Leo DiCaprio [J. Gatsby] he says, “You can’t repeat the past”. I haven’t decided if that’s what I’m trying to do by reaching out to my Ex [aww sucks to see it  like that]; but maybe I really don’t want to come to that realization yet; because once I have that epiphany I know I’ll have to accept the fact that what once was, will never be again. Then I’ll really have to move on. I don’t think I’m trying to repeat the past [clearly I’m trying to convince myself]. I just want it to continue on the path it started on [way back when] we first met. My present is definitely not what I envisioned it to be.

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s feeling like a quitter. May be because I’m so prideful [who knows].  Every time I decide to reach out to my Ex I swear that THIS is my last time trying and that I won’t contact him anymore or think about him or anything! [Easier said than done]. I think about HiM often. Honestly, no one has ever made me feel the way HE has. And it’s a somber feeling that I could potentially spend the rest of my life trying to meet another person who can give me that feeling again. Love is definitely a drug; and I’m still addicted to what we had.

Love is a crazy thing. When it’s good, it’s great and you feel unstoppable and unbreakable. But when it’s bad, it’s terrible [Heartbreak sucks]. Oddly enough even in heartbreak you’re still nostalgic for the good times, those great feelings of the past, and you start to want that old thing back.

All that being said, I contacted HiM [for the for real last time]. I could hear the irritation in his voice as soon as he said hello [#AWKWARD!!]. I told him that I would like to talk about things [like adults] in person. I asked him to come to Atlanta to see me. HE asked me “When?” I told him whenever HE can get time off from work and book a ticket out here. Surprisingly HE agreed. My Ex is very forgetful though, so it’s likely HE agreed but has since forgotten that conversation. Maybe HE agreed just to get me off the phone because I was bothering him. Or, just maybe, part of him feels the same way I did [correction: the same way I do]. I guess I won’t know until HE calls me and says “I got a flight from this day to this day…” if that even happens… Until then I guess I can only speculate.

I can honestly say I tried my hardest to make it work, to “give love a chance”. I remember when we first started dating HE told me that love would be enough. Perhaps I’m foolish for believing that [I never would have even considered the notion before him]. Part of me wishes HE was telling the truth. Love should be enough. But it’s not because we both questioned everything. Love should do all the talking and convincing. Love should provide the evidence and give the closing argument. Love should guide his actions [hopefully]. Love should prevail. Love could prevail. Love would prevail… But I guess that would only be true if my Love was his drug too.

What am I going to do with forever now?!

Well, for those who were wondering about my blog hiatus [the second long break]… my apologies. I was busy wallowing in self-pity and trying to coerce a man into believing that I was worth having… [Yea, talk about it]. The crazy things we do for love right? Amidst all of this I wasn’t being true to myself. But I needed HiM. I wanted HIM near [figuratively, i.e. in my heart #nshit]. Even though he was thousands of miles away, I really felt like being with him [even if it was just talking on the phone and occasionally skyping]  was better than NOT being with HiM. I still love HiM so much. HE is my best friend. I thought HE was going to be my last, my everything. HE really was supposed to be my last. I thought I found my forever. But now it seems that he was just my life’s second true love [Let the record show that I have been in crazy stupid love two times].

The last  months [read: 7 months] have been really difficult. I know now that I was holding on to the possibility that maybe, perhaps, me and HE would eventually, possibly, hopefully figure things out and focus on Love. Until today, I was hoping we would get back together and we could move on and look back at this “rocky period” when our love was tested and we held on strong and helped each other through. Truth is, Love doesn’t conquer all. Love isn’t enough. There is a lot more involved in the recipe for “happily ever after” than Love alone. I guess I could try to find solace in the fact that I tried my hardest. Love is crazy like that. It comes around unexpectedly and then before you know it, you’re googling relationship advice online and trying to figure out how you can be better, how you can make the other person understand, and how you can fix everything.

 I have been in love twice in my life and it seems that each time it’s more intense. Maybe the third time is the charm. I’ve always been intrigued with the future [read: my future]. I believe this is going to be a defining moment in my life. How do I bounce back from this?

What am I going to do with forever now?!  That damn Ne-Yo song definitely makes me cry. Who cries while listening to a fist pumper song!? I do apparently…awkward right? But seriously, what am I going to do with [my] forever now?!  I hate that I fell so far in love with him. I hate that I put my goals and wants on hold for HiM. I hate that I compromised my morals, self-respect, and my peace of mind for HiM. I never wanted to lose HiM but HE clearly did not want to keep Me*. So what am I going to do with forever now? Right now everything seems very nondescript. I’m a true Pisces, I believe in love, I love hard, and I want my love reciprocated [struggle of my life: Love]. I guess I have as much time as I want to figure things out. Now that I have accepted my latest reality, I know the only way to feel any relief is to “let it out”. Writing is definitely an emotional release for me. When I am not writing my thoughts and feelings are trapped inside of me and I am literally going crazy. And so I’m finally sharing my story…

At the end of the day I am responsible for my actions and my actions alone [Life lesson]. I know how important writing is to me and I let myself get away from my passion [writing] because I didn’t want anyone to know I had failed. I failed in my relationship [there I finally said it]. I guess now I’ll get back to back to focusing on me, my book, and my future business ventures. Let’s file this under “The Middle”, Chapter 10: My Life’s Great Loves Lost. Ahhh, and the saga continues. Ladies and gentlemen welcome back to the Life & Times of ME*, Dakota.

Pain inspires and out of ashes rises a Phoenix. Now is my time.

Been gone for a minute but I’m back.

Well, sort of. I’ve been busy thinking, planning , and strategizing… naw not really but it sounds good right!? Seriously though, I have been thinking about life [ surprising right?…] I need to choose a direction [not 8, just 1-3] and go with it. I’m giving myself the next five years to pursue… well to pursue whatever I want. Afterall Anything is Possible. I guess I’ll be posting my resolutions [read: make shift dreams & aspirations] soon enough… I’m still trying to decide if I even believe in making resolutions anymore. It used to be a sort of ritual. I think I’m becoming a slave to my daily rituals and obligations… [hmm food for thought]. Also, I think I’m going to move my blog… but I haven’t really decided yet. There are a lot of things about my blog I want to change but there is a lot that I want to keep the same. But change is good. Even when change is bad often something new [read: new experiences, epiphanies, & elations] can still come to fruition.

ToxicTonic will be under construction for the next couple of weeks.

Sorry I left you blog, truth is I’ve been going bat shit crazy because I haven’t been writing. I’ve seriously been needing to release. Oh how I have miss thee…

Happy New Year *cheers to 2013*

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